WTF

Last week in Bootcamp, in OT, we filled out time management evaluations and I had to narrow in on the four major things on which I need to work: making the most efficient work of my energy, making time for myself, committing myself to too many things and completing tasks even when I am tired. I have a terrible time management problem. I am constantly hounded by the "should" monster while the "guilt" fairy is sitting on my shoulder and I cannot stop moving even when it cause me great pain. I can never say no.

We were given a handout with some quotes and one hit home for me: from Stephen Covey: We are controlled by the clock and our compass. "Our compass represents vision, values, principles, mission, conscience and direction what we feel is important and how we lead our lives." Now, I am not one to quote people like Stephen Covey, but I did really find that this is what I am missing these days. I used to only be controlled by my compass, I like to believe, but certainly the clock takes up most of my life now.

Another important quote was from a fellow fibro sufferer: "Forget your pride." This is an extremely difficult one for me. Just writing this blog and putting all this out into the ether is humiliating on several levels, but I realize it is also cathartic for me and helpful for my loved ones at the same time. I started out life as the geeky, awkward, poor kid who had nothing but brains to recommend her and then I developed (literally) into a cute blond chick with big boobs who had to fight to remind people that she was intelligent. These days, my eidetic memory has more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese and my medications, age and my inability to exercise more than 20 minutes at a time has left my "cute girl" body in the dumpster. I can't remember what I read the night before and I have to wear "sensible" shoes and a "fanny pack" -god I hate that word. I am trying my hardest to come to terms with all these things, but, man, those sensible shoes are KILLING me.

Another important lesson: I cannot control most things and I have to stop trying. I am wasting energy trying to will other drivers into driving well; I am wasting energy being angry at my assistant for not knowing where to put the return address on an envelope; I am wasting energy being angry at myself for the person I have become. I need to use my energy in a productive manner-mainly, being there for my son and my husband, relaxing, meditating, painting, reading, you get the idea.